Wednesday, May 31, 2006 Lean on me...

If there is one thing I could change about myself, it would be my reservations about...(oopss!), err..I think its going to be about my willingness to...hmm, no, not that one either. It has to be my self-consciousness about.....err. Ah nvm, I have a lot more than just one, damn!.

But one day Im just going to quit being a transit point for people in transit. I just aint that. I dont know what makes them think Im their solace or relief but they just keep coming, and then going and then coming again?. But then again, isnt that what being frens is all about. A fren in need...? But when u r stuck in the middle between 2 frens, where do u go? You cant run...you cant ignore...and for sure you cant hide.

But as long as they know, that in the end they still have to make their own, they can lean on me. No problem.

Hey, u ladies read about that kahwin misyar thing..? Marrying a woman without having to be responsible for them (save for sex)...??? Is it my eyes or my brain..?

They even get one Sheikh Al-Azhar to confirm that it is legal. What is going on?? Dont they have sisters, daughters? I think there are turning this into one pathetic joke, really. And I cant figure out where the hell they are going with this..? Im clueless.

U ladies should stand up..

Release date: 23 February, 1996

Thursday, June 01, 2006 Remembering marriage - mine

I was never really staggered by grief but the shame and the stigma when it was all over is still very much a part of me. All mind.

She was a great friend, and still is, but we had a different concept of what marriage was all about and I think thats what killed the marriage off. I was seing myself metamorphed into somebody I dont know and I m quite certain she was feeling the same way too. Our first mistake was, we built expectations. We were pulled into expectations drawn by the society, of what husband and wife should or shouldnt be. Maybe we had options but we never really weighted them. At the height of it all, all I wanted was for her to be my great friend again, and I got that.

I dont know whether Im having any depression or not, but up until now, I dont feel like going into marriage ever again, no more wading through that. Not that there were no laughs in my wedding but there were a lot of pain vs nobility, compassion vs generosity and a lot of difficult decisions on whats to be done with lives, ours and others.

Now ~ I get to be me again, all me. Good or bad, I feel great being me. Hoho..does that sound like denial..? trying to convince that everything is OK now. Maybe, I dont know. But of course I miss her.

Release date: 08 October, 2002

Friday, June 09, 2006 The Mahathir Code..

Eventho I agree with most of the things Mahathir said but Tun, you cant just blame Pak Lah, not like that, not in the press? (if u dont have access to Pak Lah, use Myspace). Fact is people change, people move on and sometimes people move apart as well. It is not backstabbing and I dont think he is betraying you either. Im sure hes got a whole set of problem himself, to deal with.

Speak your mind by all means ( I would, if I have the access), but not by putting another one down. A ship in the harbour is safe. But thats not what ships are built for. So let Pak Lah sails.

Monday, June 19, 2006 Grin or grind...

I dont know whether to grin or to grind..but I have people telling me that I go around with an attitude, feeling all self-important, how great and happy I am that I dont need a woman..huh! But when I finally want one..I dont have any.. Hmm...it all depends, if it just a woman, I'm never short of their company, in fact I have more ladies friends here, than men..oh ok I know we are not talking mathematics here. But if they are talking about relationship...well, that is something else..and i dont think it has anything to do with attitude. Focus, maybe but attitude..? definitely not. I dont carry any attitude here. Relationship can wait...hey wait a sec, come to think of it, so what if I have an attitude? It is after all, my stance and my posture...and at the end of it all. it is going to be my deal. The point is, do we have to be defensive on where we stand..I dont see the need. Didnt they say "it matters not how long we live but how'? So I'm living my how.....

Friday, June 30, 2006 Until I befriended Mary Magdalene...

It wasn't really that long ago that i was my own man, living on my own time. But today, I'm not that lucky anymore. It is becoming more and more easy for me to succumb to thoughts like - 'hmm, what will they think...'

As a result, I end up doing something I dont want to do or trapped in a company I dont want to be 'cmolots' with. I think it's time to find me back...

Sunday, July 16, 2006 As is...for now

Sometimes I think some people are right when they say that I'm weird, ...not as in creepy weird but weird...just weird. Weird because I have ladies around me, in numbers, but none as lover..(ehem! I would like to think it's by choice..my choice).
But I do feel pretty cool u know, to know that some people here (Malacca). ladies especially, actually wasted some of their time talking about me and my small group of angels. They just find it weird..that I have no emotional attachment with any of them ladies. Hoho..to tell u the truth, I want to know what's going on too..LOL!
Truth is, I think I'm good at being friend..but not so a a lover. A relationship to me always come with a warning tag : DANGER - Hurt is imminent. And so I remain at bay. I'm not into hurting anymore, that means I dont want to hurt anybody and I dont want anybody to hurt me. Fair deal eh.. Never get me wrong, I love women but I'm just not made for relationship. I see routine, I see deception, mundane, predictability, then there's heartache, pain...... Of course nothing venture nothing gain, but I have ventured before and I have nothing more to gain. Life is acceptably good, as is, for now.

Monday, July 24, 2006 Primal Insecurities.

I dont know for sure, but it has been said that since the beginning of time, men have always been the hunter, the chaser, the one who set the trap, the one who lures, the one with bows and arrows, the one perching on top of the hill looking down for preys and the one who gathers around bonfire with sucess stories. In fact, in almost every situation, the premise and the approach has always been the same. That's just how the story goes.
Now, what if, there's a deal (insinuation actually..) - an offer to be a friend with 'benefits'...with an opportunity to divorce from any possible feelings and relationship.
o O O But is he a catch now..? What if she has huge expectations, what if she wants it until the sun comes up, what if she wants it all the time, what if he fails, what if this gets out, what if this is a pass-fail test...
What if he let this one go...